can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
