The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
