I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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