Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
