My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
