there's paper in my vomit.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize