did you get engaged???
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
