Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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