who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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