its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
