my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
