i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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