After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
