Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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