I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
