I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
