??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
