I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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