i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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