Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
