If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
