He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
