I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Tornado booty call.. dedication
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
