Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
FUCK WHALES
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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