she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
