I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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