Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
