My underwear smells like fireworks.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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