when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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