peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
