I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
