Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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