PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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