Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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