is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
