My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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