He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
