Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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