I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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