closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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