Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
