Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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