Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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