i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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