yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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