I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
