"it" just moved
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I want her autograph on my taint
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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