I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
