Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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