did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
