i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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