Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
