WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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