Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
