the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
